Just finish my 7 portfolios- except for photos. Prolly finish it by tomorrow.

On the net and can't help but to read my old posts.

It had been a year. A few days after what I thought "this was it, finally" but there will never be roses and sunshine at the very end. I was emotional. An emotional wreck. Giving in and thinking that it was it. A few months later, tears was all I could give to myself. And again, I had to pick up the broken pieces. = Somehow, I manage to go through it all. I will forget although there will always be that scar which you have painted. Some people can be very heartless.

I am glad I have people who love me for who I am and my kids. Self-comforting, yes. Or else, I am not able to move on.

When you read your previous posts, can't you just believe that you actually wrote that and the stuff you felt at that time. I was an emotional wreck. haha!

Hopefully, I am able to sort myself out. Europe is my calling next year! *yanie, hints!

It's the month of the year again-Portfolios and Parent-teacher meetings.
I have been procrastinating. I am supposed to use weekends to finish up my 7 portfolios for my afternoon class and all I did was one piece of developmental milestone for one child. It is rather sad that I am least motivated. All I want to or feel like doing on Parent teacher meeting day is to tell the parents that their kids have done me and you proud. They love school, enjoying every single thing that is being taught, having fun, understanding and controlling their emotions and most important of all, showing empathy to their peers and teachers.

School is not just about the academics, especially early childhood years. They should have fun in exploring, discovering, investigating and laughing. Yes, I add humour in my lessons to my kids and somtimes they give me a -_- face and sometimes they'll laugh along with me.

Anyway, back to my work. I have so many things to do yet I can blog-which I have done in a few weeks, facebook, upload photos, chatting with Nashir and Wawa on my Messenger, replying emails on surfing and others but not work! I have to strangle myself and burn the midnight oil starting from tomorrow.

I have made plans to Desaru this weekend and persuaded ze bestfriend to accompany me. I am looking forward to the weekends. Yes, my nurellabetty will have her first water remedy this weekend. I am super excited. I am not too sure about my physical state, all I want on that day, is to feel my board, get the hang of it and try to catch as many waves as possible.

Oh and the week after, it will be the second parent teacher meeting. Fancy going surfing in the midst of all the work. :( I damn need to finish my work.

And yes, ze Dad approved of me going to Desaru, not too sure about the sport but well at least I know he is somewhat happy and that I am in talking terms with him-God, please forgive me.

So many things to do, think and make decisions. Will be back on updates.

The reasons why this blog has been a little stale:

1) My vintage laptop is down and I have to get a new one but there's the financial crisis.

2) I have been too busy with work, close pals, jogging and swimming that after all of that I sleep.

3) I have been too lazy to go online msn and chatting that I prefer to laugh, read a book and just stare and dream in front of my white wall. and nurellabetty.

I know where has my 23 year old self driven, planning freak, career go getter went to?

I know that it is too early to take a break from earning money and study. I knew for the fact that I love to work with children and I am doing it everyday, I earned my degree and my close ones asked maybe I should further my studies or my parents are hoping that I will get into a school that pays me a higher salary. C'mon, who wouldn't want that?

You see, in the early childhood industry , you have a basic salary and it will stay as that unless you earn other educational certificates, experiences or you'll either go into management-which will totally be on a different scale. And then, you thought about it. what's the use of passion and whatever you learn to work with children when all you want is a higher pay? Of course there are other ways to earn money. If you want a higher pay then go for a career switch. I, on the other hand, of course need money and happiness. I am happy at what I am doing but the stress comes from people that wants you to have a better life = pay= money= yes, money is the root to all evil. It's really tough. They do not understand that yes I am happy with what I am getting but this is what I can give. I have my own life to live. I am not stupid. I just hope that you will understand. But, I am afraid, they don't.

Conclusion: I am willing to fall and get up. I am willing to be broke but rest assured to know that I am happy at what I do. It is my life. I can't plan. I am going with the flow right now. So, when many doors are open, I can linger around it, choose, maybe fall, get out of the door and start all over again. Nothing's easy. Even going to the toilet and pee isn't easy too ( I know does not make sense) but I know that as long as I am happy with the considerable amount of money. Period.

Okay that was a long conclusion.

It is almost 9 am in the morning.
I have been wake since 430 in the morning and it is my shift to take care of the rice cakes aka lontong cooked outside our house.
Every eid-ulfitri, Dad never fails to help Mom with the lontong. Since younger sister had her shift last night, I had to take care of it today. What I need to do is to make sure the water is always filled to the top of the container. And later today, lots of cooking with mom which I detest the most but I have no choice. My paternal cousins commented that every Eid is a chore. For me, I agree with them. I love Ramadhan and I am upset that it ends just too fast. And preparation for Ramadhan isn't that tedious. Lots of rest, patience, spiritual and religious commitment. And when Eid comes, everything has to be merry ferry. I love Eid too but most of the time, guess it comes with age as well, it gets overrated, in some way or another.

I asked myself, do I look forward to Eid this year?
I look forward to Eid cos I get 4 days off from work- and that is the best thing. Apart from that, visiting my grandad and close cousins and family is all I need. Then, the room gets tidied and during the spring cleaning, I manage to discover old paraphernalia of letters, cards etc- which is great since lots of missing items are found.

Other than that, my head is saying Nurella Betty board and the waves- I wish on the second day of Eid I could go to Bali for a quick surf. Of course, if we live in a tower, my Dad prolly lock me up in a dragon's dungeon.

To all of my fellow muslim friends and loved ones, have a blessed Happy EidulFitri!
and those enjoying the four days off- Happy Hols!

There are two choices for me.
Either stay or take a risk and leave.
My mind is muddled with "ifs and no".
Earlier last month, I was determined to go, but now I am thinking twice.
Good opportunities also come with a price. :(

God is always testing us. How far and brutal? That I can't answer.
The bestfriend reminded me not to think about the past but we can't help ourselves to think about it. It is normal. And I thought about last year episode of my life which was in shaped and almost perfect. This year, in a different episode, was not in shape, but I take shape the way I want my career to be, I take shape of love and let it fooled me over-again-Thanks to me.
Sometimes, I wonder if I can see the same person again and not think of the things we did together. I wish I can be a better person handling the past. I wish there was a button that could erase the "past". But there isn't.

All I can do is think about the past and then let go. Thank God, I have my family to lean on unconditionally. I have friends who understands, appreciates my flaws and celebrating my happiness. That is how life is about. Letting go. The more you stay in the same position, the more mundane your life will be.
Life is all about changes- for now.

Indeed it isn't.
I had a blast with En Nashir and Wa.
Thank you for everything, for being patient with my selection on the raya clothes, consuming too much food, "embracing" the humid bazaar and hanging out gayly in the middle of City Plaza shopping centre. And of course, our nonsensical jokes always come in handy.

It might be Sufi's last night as a yakker with us but hey, he will be back, very soon. We'll miss you Sufi and take care. (",)